It feels weird to be writing this blog post. I’ve been trying to force myself to write it for ages but the words don’t ever seem to come out. They become all twisted in my mind and I just put it off.
I know I could just leave this blog as it is, leave my last post as the last thing but it didn’t feel right. I’ve tried so many times to just sit and write a blog post but it just doesn’t happen. At this point I have so many drafts of blog posts I tried to write but never uploaded and it’s for one big reason: blogging isn’t for me anymore.
It’s such a weird feeling when you realise that something isn’t right for you when you’ve loved it for such a long time. Ever since I started blogging, I wanted it to be my career. I genuinely wanted to do this for the rest of my life and maybe I will. Writing this, I’m getting the same kind of buzz I used to. I’m thinking about how lovely it is to be sitting with my laptop perched on my crossed legs as I type my thoughts out. At the same time, this sadness and just numbness frustration that I feel every time I try to write a blog post has returned.
I’m not saying that I’ll never blog again. This blog is still going to be up here online and maybe in the future I’ll suddenly get the urge to write my thoughts up again and it can be resurrected on the spot.
It’s so hard to let this go; I actually feel like I’m going to break down into tears because of this. The thing is, I know that this is the right decision for me. I know that at this moment in time, blogging is not the right fit for me. Yesterday, for the first time in three months I actually logged into WordPress as the thought of my blog hadn’t even crossed my mind. I know this is the right thing to do, even if my mind doesn’t want to let go.
I’ve never been good at letting go. I have so many random things that I won’t get rid of because I have a small emotional attachment to it. When it comes to this blog and blogging in general, I have a much greater attachment to it. This year will be five years since I started my blog. At the time, I spent all my time watching Zoella and I wanted to be like her SO much. I wanted to start a YouTube channel but I didn’t have the confidence and I didn’t want to be made fun of at school like other people who created videos. It’s then I read ‘Girl Online’ and I decided I wanted to start a blog too. If you look at my old posts on my first blog, you can tell Zoella had a huge influence on me but gradually I was able to find me more.
During those five years, I’ve changes a LOT. The person sitting here now, is completely different to who I was when I stared this blog. My blogs have displayed me discovering my sexuality, my whole first relationship, and breaking up with one of my best friends. A huge part of my teenage self is immortalised online in words and I’m so happy that I made the decision all those years ago to just do it.
This September I’m turning 20 which I’m equally excited but scared about. I’m no longer going to be classed as a teenager but an actual young adult. Over the last year I’ve done so much discovery on myself and I think I’ve finally realised what I want in my life as opposed to what education and the people around me told me to want.
I’m not disappearing from the online world, in fact I’m just moving to a new area of it. Creating online content is what I want to do and I’m going to do it, just not on this blog. I keep getting scared about what I’m planning to do but at the same time, I can’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of relief that I’ve finally cracked the code. I’ve finally figured out what I’m passionate about and what has been there for a while but societal expectations got in the way of.
So, this is the end of Bethany and Books, well at least for now. Thank you so much for all the memories. I have met so many people on here which I consider close friends and I hope to meet up with someday. Kirthika, Jas, Elm/Ellie, Kel, Elly, Ana, Eve, Lia, Em, Lost, Soph, Megan, Gracie, Megan and many other people who I’ve become friends with over the years, thank you. Honestly, you all have had such an impact on my life and I love you all platonically. As one of the last bloggers who remained from our little teen blogging group, it’s certainly a weird feeling but I’m sure we’ll still be internet friends for years to come. If you want to continue following what I’m up to, make sure to follow my Twitter @BethanyandBooks for updates.
Thank you everyone.
For the last time,
Bethany, signing off.